On the couch with Starscream
by Prander
Summary: The Decepticons second in command unburdens himself. Graphic language. Hope this brings ya a laugh. Thanks for the feedback and reviews and please check out my profile or forum for a personal thank you. :)


Manuscript of audio recording from Richard P. Halloway. PsyD. April 1st 2012. Case number 1164.

"So Commander Starscream, how are we feeling this morning?

**"Fine."**

"Just fine?"

**"Yes."**

"Has something happened?"

**"No."**

"You seem particularly nervous. Have you been sleeping well?"

**"Close the curtains Doctor, if you please."**

"I suppose we can do that...there is that better?"

**"Yes."**

"Are you getting headaches again?"

**"No...did you happen to see anyone out there?"**

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

**"Did you see anyone? What did you see? Was anyone flying overhead?"**

"Ah. Are you in trouble with your fellow Decepticons again?"

**"No!"**

"Starscream, we've talked about this."

**"I'm only in trouble if they figure out it's was _me_! And besides it wasn't my fault. Optimus Prime is the one who blew it up. Not me."**

"Blew it up?"

**"Our new secret weapon...well, it _was _secret. It was supposed to freeze the earth's core or destroy the moon, I don't know. I just wanted to look at it! Optimus blew it up."**

"I see. I think this is a good opportunity for us to again address your respect for other peoples property."

**"I just wanted to make a few modifications is all! The Constructicons were all 'hush hush' as usual. Hmph! I could have done better anyway."**

"Modifications? Are you sure you didn't steal it again for your own use? We've talked about this. Remember that little saying we rehearsed?"

**"Yes, yes , I know, I know..."**

"Starscream..."

**"If it doesn't belong to me, then I better let it be!"**

"Good! You remembered. I'm glad."

**"But it _should _be more like...if it could be mine, steal it and blame Prime! Ah-hahaha!"**

"So you _did _steal it."

**"...borrowed aggressively!"**

"Do you want to tell me what happened? It's ok, you can relax. No one can hear us."

**"Well...it was the usual gig, you know? I needed some energon but getting that from Megatron is like pulling a whiskey bottle out of wino's hands. So I figured I would get my own. Then I needed a special crystal to power the weapon. And this kid Spike Witwicky had it. So I asked him to come with me and..."**

"Starscream...was Spike really willing to go with you?"

**"What does that have to do with anything?"**

"That was a frowny face, Starscream. You know full well that's always gotten you in trouble. You're being self destructive again."

**"Well. Maybe. I don't know. What does it matter?! It was all Spikes fault anyway, that little bastard!"**

"Starscream it's ok. Relax. Now come on, tell me the truth."

**"Fine...but asking him nicely wouldn't have worked anyway!" **(sigh)** "God, I hate that kid. We wouldn't even bother with that brat, but for some reason he always has the one thing we need! Fuel, precious metals, secret codes and even ancient Aztec crystals! What the hell, man? Who is he? Indianna Jones?! All he does is scream to much anyway. 'Help! Help! Daddy!' And he's wore the same clothes for four years. He stinks! And that song! That stupid fuckin' rock song! The same one! It's all he ever listens too! You try flying around with that inside your head! He's such a damn pest I would like to _twist his head off_!"**

"So spike wasn't willing to help you."

**"Ahhh, fuck him!"**

"Ok. Do you at least feel better expressing your feelings about Spike?"

**"Kinda...maybe next time I'll just kill him."**

"We'll come back to that. So what happened after Spike wouldn't help you?"

**"The usual. Here come's daddy! **(mocking Sparkplug Witwicky) **'Don't worry son, I'll save you!' But he just goes screaming to the Autobots and they got all bent out of shape and followed me. Then they found the weapon and blew it up. The end."**

"Starscream, are you sure you want to keep doing this to yourself?"

**"What do you mean? It wasn't my fault!"**

"I disagree. This self destructive behavior of yours. You make your own trouble. And then you find reasons to blame someone else when everything goes wrong. Like abducting Spike when you know the autobots will come to rescue him."

**"What's their deal, anyway? Those Autobots. Sheesh! It's like you swipe a kids pet hamster or something. And Prime brings like ten Autobots with him every time to get him back, the wimp!"**

"You're avoiding the issue again, Starscream. Are you sure you didn't happen to tell Spike a few details about your master plan? And then he told Optimus?"

**"That little shit."**

"Starscream..."

**"I might have bragged a little, so what? It was brilliant! Better than what Megatron was going to use it for anyway!"**

"So again we see how you bring about your own ruin. It's self destructive, just as I said. Because I think deep down you know you're doing wrong and want to be caught. And if not by Megatron, you involve the Autobots, there by insuring you get Megatrons attention. And you always make sure at the same time you have an excuse ready because you don't want anyone mad at you. My feelings are that all these evil master plans are a cry for help."

**"..."**

"Starscream?"

***sniff***

"Would you like to hold Mr. Cuddles again? Remember what we said when you feel like this? A teddy bear is your friend."

***sniff* "Ok."**

"It's Megatron isn't it?"

**"Nothing I do is ever good enough for him!"**

"Go on, let it out. This is good for you."

**"It's always, Starscream shut up! Starscream, get out of the way! Starscream, you fool! Starscream, look what you did! Starscream, I''ll kill you! And then back at home? Starscream mop the floor! Clean the toilet! Get in here and change the channel! Now shut up, I'm trying to hear this!...I'm just a step and fetch! And if I don't?! There's the cannon in the face again and the promise to reduce me to atoms! And all the others laugh at me!"**

"Have you thought about telling these things to Megatron? Writing him a letter?"

***sniff* "Why would I want to do that?"**

"So you can grow together as individuals. To be better understood and earn the respect of your fellow Decepticons."

**"..."**

"Starscream?"

**"_Earn _it? HA!"**

"Excuse me?"

**"My dear Doctor, I don't intend to _earn _anything. As for what Megatron yells at me, it's my full intention to one day make sure he is crying 'Starscream was right! I was wrong! Please don't shoot! Wait, I still function!' Ah-hahahahaaa!"**

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

**"A Decepticon doesn't _earn _anything, Doctor. We take it! At gunpoint! As for the others? One day when I sit on the throne as their rightful leader, they'll bow and scrape before me begging for a kick in the teeth! And I'll use Megatrons head as a foot rest!"**

"This isn't...what I mean to say is, that maybe you should...what's that noise?"

**"Ohh, I imagine that's Megatron. **(blowing nose)** I imagine he's found out it was me and I'm going to get a proper ass kickin', no doubt about it. But I do feel much better! Thank you, Doctor."**

"Umm...you're welcome?"

**"But I'm afraid I can't allow the _whole _truth of my little theft to become public knowledge."**

(Megatron can be heard in the background)

**"Where is he?! Where is that son of a _bitch_!?"**

(Starscream sighs)

**"Now _there's _someone who should be on this couch, eh Doctor?" **

"Is he throwing cars around out there? I mean...should we...*ahem* Yes, well, as for the truth you can be assured of my patient confidentiality."

**"Oh I _know_ I will be."**

"Excuse me?"

**"Rather than watch Megatron pull your arms off to find out what he wants to know, I think it best for everyone, my dear Doctor, that you don't leave this office alive."**

"Excuse me?!"

**"It's alright, Doctor. Believe me, I understand what you must be feeling right now and I assure you this won't hurt at all...much."**

"Wait! What are you _doing_?!"

**"At a time like this if you think it helps...here. You can hold Mr. Cuddles. Ah-hahahahaa!"**

(particle beam blast)

(audio ends)

Documented criminal evidence B-42A. Case remains unsolved. Auditor : Prowl, commander.


End file.
